Signs of Love

I have a wonderful relationship with my husband. We have been married for 11 years, and I am still as in love with him now as I was the day we got married. The main four ways that we show our love for each other are:

1. listening to each other and returning a meaningful response
2. striving to meet each other’s needs
3. being trustworthy and dependable
4. being physically affectionate

When my spouse does these four things, I feel and believe that he loves and cares for me. Other people have different ideas about what they accept and expect as signs of love. Some want to be given gifts, or to be allowed certain types of freedom, or to be protected, or to know that their partner does specific things only for them and for no one else. It is important to realize and be conscious of the fact that this is an emotional contract you make with your partner. A mutual understanding and agreement about how you will show your love for one another is the most essential kind of compatibility that you should insist on in a long-term relationship.

I’ve been noticing that when my husband and I have some kind of difficulty in our relationship, or when I have some problem in any another type of relationship, it almost always traces back to my thinking that something this person is doing (or not doing) is a sign that they don’t care about me (or about my feelings). But because different people express love in different ways, I always try to find a small gap of doubt in that conclusion. Never let yourself become convinced beyond any doubt that someone doesn’t care about you. Just assume that your ways of showing love are very different from their ways. If someone is not meeting your essential need to feel loved, why would you want to be with them?

It’s too easy to fall into the trap of first thinking, “I love this person, but they aren’t showing enough signs of caring about me”, followed by “If this person doesn’t love me, maybe I’m not lovable”, followed by “So there must be something wrong with me”, followed by “If I could only get this person to show that he or she loves me, then I will be reassured that I’m really lovable.” This chain of thinking is a big mistake, and a recipe for continued frustration. Never allow yourself to think your way down this path. I’ve done it a few times, and it leads to nothing but pain. Now, I short-circuit this kind thinking right after the first thought. If anyone I love is not showing me recognizable signs of love or affection, then obviously he or she has very different ways of showing love that I do. Trying to get closer to such a person is pointless, because I won’t get any fulfillment from a relationship with someone who doesn’t express love in a way that I can recognize---period, end of story! Of course, I’m still lovable, I’m just not compatible with everyone, and I am free to show my love for others even if I’m not seeing any evidence whatsoever that they’re feeling the same way about me.

It’s been useful too, to realize that when someone is making demands on me, or criticizing me, what they are really saying is, “Show me that you care about me in a way I can recognize because what you’re doing now feels like a lack of love”. Understanding that the action itself is not truly the problem is very liberating. It gives me the freedom to think about our relationship issues from another perspective, and to envision creative solutions. In most relationship situations, people don’t really want control, they want to know that they are loved.

What are the expressions of love that you can understand and relate to? Why are they important to you?

The Goal

My new year’s resolution for 2009 is to work on personal relationships, and find ways to feel closer to other people. My initial goal read like this: “Reveal personal thoughts, expand my comfort zone in talking to people, and improve communication skills”, but after rolling it around in my thoughts for a few days, I’ve decided that I really need to focus on bringing more honesty and courage to the relationships I have with others. It’s not that I’m not basically honest in the sense of answering questions truthfully, but I was raised to the mantra of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”, so I’ve begun thinking about the extent to which I self-censor my own speech, and the impact of that on the relationships in my life.

I read that you feel closest to the people with whom you are most honest and open, which seems very true and obvious once you say it out loud. And yet, that’s not the way I function, and I think not the way most people function. For most of us it goes like this: I like you and I want you to like me, so I will try to figure out what kind of person you would like, and then I’ll try to be that way. Of course, if I succeed I’ll never really know if you really like me for who I am, or only for who I’m pretending to be. And I’ll never really feel comfortable in my role, or be able to relax my inner dialog. And then I’ll wonder why I don’t feel close to you…

On the other hand, there are reasons, perhaps legitimate ones, why I can’t be open and honest with everyone all the time, but I would like to find out what are the real limitations on honesty and openness? So I’m asking myself how far can I push that envelope, and whether there are any useful strategies for managing the risks that come along with this?

In that spirit, I’m taking a second look at what I’m thinking and why I don’t normally share certain thoughts with others. The reasons seem to fall into two categories. One is that I’m afraid of offending people. If I’m having a thought like “you’re totally wrong about that” or “that seems like a selfish thing to do”, I don’t share that because I don’t want to make people feel bad. The other reason for not sharing thoughts is that people will think I’m weird, or would be judgmental in some other way.

What do you think…are these the reasons that you to hold back in revealing what you’re thinking? Is your experience that honesty brings people closer together or pushes them farther apart?

What's up with this blog?

What’s this? This blog is about personal relationships. It will cover topics such as social skills, emotional intimacy, interpersonal communication, friendship, and thoughts on what makes some relationships special.

Why does it exist? I’ve started this blog because this year I have the goal of improving my personal relationships. I want to experience a greater sense of closeness and intimacy with the people I love, and I want to get to know more people.

How does it work? I thought it would be helpful to my goal to write about these topics, and to ask for comments from people who are also interested in working on this aspect of their lives. At least once a week, I will post some reflections on personal relationships, and ask a couple of questions for you to think about.