Fundamentals of Emotional Intimacy: Managing Conflict

Anytime people come together, there are differences of opinion, values, needs and desires. Finding a method to resolve those differences has been a major challenge for every civilization and organization. Personal relationships present the same kinds of challenges. It's difficult to share your life with someone else, and manage disagreements in a way that leaves both of you feeling positive about the relationship.

I came from a family where my mother had a very passive-aggressive style and tended to become emotional during any kind conflict. I've found that that style is not very productive, and I've learned to use a more rational, goal-focus style instead. Yet, we humans are emotional beings, and sometimes it's hard to control the way we express our feelings. Recognize that if you're in a highly emotional state, you will transmit that state as you communicate. It's nearly inevitable. We all easily pick up on the emotions of those near us. If you're angry and you start expressing that, people near you will probably start feeling angry too.

Here are a few tips that I've learned over the years for handling conflict in a way that promotes a positive outcome.

1. Be aware of the topics that are hot buttons for conflict in your relationship. Some of the typical problems for romantically-involved couples include money, sex, in-laws or other relatives, raising children, and division of household work. Remind yourself that before you begin talking about any of these issues, you will need some extra planning time to make sure the discussion goes smoothly.

2. Before you start the conversation, think about what kind of resolution you want. Say it to yourself in words. It may be something like, "I want her to acknowledge that this is a difficult situation for me, and I am making a sacrifice", or "I want us to divide up the chores so that I don't have to do so much right after I get home from work". Don't start a discussion until you know what you want and have a goal clearly in mind. If I just need blow off some steam, I find it helpful to preface my complaints by saying, "I just need to vent about some things that are going on. I don't expect you to solve these problems. I am just looking for a little empathy" if indeed that is all I want.

3. Think about how to get what you want with a win-win arrangement. What can you give in exchange for what you want? Sometimes it is as simple as giving praise and gratitude.

4. Warn your partner if you're about to bring up an emotional topic. Say something like, "I want us to discuss this, but I'm worried that you might feel defensive" or "I just want you to understand how I'm feeling about this." You're essentially telling your partner that she/he might need to exercise some emotional restraint during the discussion. Your warning will help your partner tune into your feelings, and make it far less likely that the conversation will deteriorate into a fight.

5. Stop after every statement you make and allow your partner time to respond. Listen carefully and repeat back what you hear him or her saying in your own words. This is where good listening skills become very important. A lot of conflict arises simply because we feel we are not being heard, and we often begin to repeat the same message more and more loudly in an effort just to be understood. Showing that are listening and understanding stops this pattern and keeps the discussion productive. Ask that your partner listen to you too. If you feel like you're not being heard, stop and say, "Can you tell me in your own words what you think I'm saying." Often you'll find your partner is reading more into your meaning than you really intend, and has been reacting to that inference rather than what you actually said.

6. Make requests rather than statements. "I think you should help out more with the laundry" is not a request. "Could you please help out more with the laundry?" is a request. Use your best manners with the people you love. This is the place in your life where being polite pays off the most. When you make a request, say why it's important to you or how it will help you out. Also mention if it will improve the relationship, like "I will feel less stressed if you help out with this chore, and I will then have time to relax with you after dinner." Your partner is most motivated to help you when he or she also benefits directly.

7. Become more self-aware of your own emotions and how they affect the relationship dynamic. Pause between the point where you feel the rush of emotion and the point you begin to communicate, and consider how your message will be heard and received. Then ask yourself what kind of response you are likely to get based on your past experiences.

8. Express your feelings without assigning blame. Rather than saying, "You have no right to talk to your mother about me that way", say "I feel angry and hurt when you tell your mother about our problems even though you haven't talked to me first so that we can work out a solution."

9. Create rules to clarify your agreements and prevent further conflict. Ideally, rules provide both freedom and limits. Regarding money, my husband and I have a joint bank account. We generally agree that we can each spend up to a couple of hundred dollars a month on personal purchases without consulting each other. If one of us wants to make a purchase for more than that, we discuss it in advance. If one of us wants to buy an item for the household, or for our mutual use, we discuss it first. I know some couples that maintain separate bank accounts. They have agreements about what bills get paid out of each account. The point is to find rules that you and your partner both feel good about and that will reduce future problems.

10. Don't avoid conflict, but manage it. The problem with not speaking up when you disagree is that over time, you become increasing annoyed and resentful. It's called passive-aggressive behavior because you remain passively angry until you can't take it anymore and then you explode. Resolve that you will talk to your partner about the things that bother you when you first notice them. If you're worried about being confrontational, approach it this way--first, ask probing questions to find out how your partner is feeling about the matter. This will get the conversation going, and give you something to respond to. Focus on giving responses that both allow you to reveal your feelings, and that address the points your partner is bringing up.

11. Look for hidden rewards in your conflict patterns. Some couples fall into a mode of conflict that has positive consequences for one or both of them, and this motivates them to keep the conflict going. This can happen if one person consistently wins the fights and other concedes or apologizes. Then the reward of gaining a sense of power can keep the fights going, but it also creates an undercurrent of resentment, and causes the relationship to deteriorate. Make-up sex is also a reward that can encourage regular conflict. If you have these kinds of rewards built into your relationship, change what you do after a fight. Make it a point to celebrate every day or week of peace and harmony that you create for yourselves.

Are there other conflict managements strategies that work for you? What are the disagreements that you have the hardest time handling in your relationships?

What Does It Take?

It is a given that every human being wants to be loved. Babies are born seeking the warmth and comfort of their mothers, and infants will die of neglect if deprived of human contact. Some people reach a place in their lives where they feel unworthy of love, and they stop seeking it. I guess all of us feel that way once in a while, but some unfortunate people seem to get stuck there. Perhaps they give up and withdraw from human contact. Perhaps they decide that even negative attention is better than no attention at all, and they begin to cause problems for others so they can feel like they are at least somebody who matters.

What does it take to reach people who are angry or controlling, those who choose their actions mainly to make themselves feel important, and to help them to see that there's a better way?

What does it take to be the sort of person who is capable of looking past the annoying exterior of such people and speaking directly to the lonely hearts inside that have given up on being loved?

What does it take to remain steady in our faith that we are deserving of love even when we fall far short of being the good people we would always like to be?

These are the things that I desperately want to know.

Trying to Help Difficult People Be Less Difficult

Today a terrible argument occurred in the hallway outside my office. It began when one of my coworkers became irate at my boss for not notifying him promptly that a morning meeting had been canceled. It was a very painful thing to have overheard. He was yelling and swearing, and not even pausing to listen as she tried to explain her side of the story. It made me angry that he ambushed her in such a vicious way on something so seemingly trivial, and also angry that I had to listen to the whole thing. My boss’s secretary also got involved, telling this guy how rude and condescending he was, and that he owed her an apology. I sat at my desk for a while afterwards, contemplating the whole thing—the anger, the defensiveness, the unwillingness to listen, and how much pain the guy was causing my boss, everyone within earshot, and, in reality, himself as well.

I eventually decided that I wanted to go down the hall and talk to this guy about his outburst. It didn’t seem right to just let it pass without letting him know that what he did wasn’t okay. What I wanted to say was basically, “You should really go to an anger management class, and learn to behave yourself in a professional manner”, but I decided that would just probably just provoke an argument between him and me, and not do anything to prevent further incidents. I tried to consider his perspective. I have been angry many times and I know what that feels like. I would also guess that because he’s not the kind of person whose inclined to give other people the benefit of a doubt when things go wrong, he probably has a lot of insecurities.

Anyway, I did manage to speak with him about the matter, even though it made me nervous to do it. I tried to explain to him that there are ways for him to express his feelings that will create the opportunity for others to respond in a sympathetic and caring way. However, he had been expressing his feelings in a way that incited defensiveness and conflict, and I said I didn’t think that was getting him the kind of response he really wanted. I told him he needed to learn to handle his anger in a better way, so that he could bring a greater atmosphere of compassion and understanding into his relationships with others.

He seemed to regard me somewhat suspiciously. He calmly told me a bit more of his back story, that is, the problems he had incurred as a result of not knowing about the meeting cancellation. I told him that because he was now expressing his complaint in a calm and rational manner, I could sympathize with his difficulties, and I thought my boss would have been sympathetic and apologetic too, if only he had related his story in that way, rather than by losing his temper. He clearly wanted and tried to divert the conversation into getting me to agree that he was in the right, and to concur that my boss should have handled the issue better. I said that I was not saying his complaint was not legitimate, but my point was just that he had the choice between expressing his feelings in a way that would probably get a compassionate response, or in a way that would probably result in defensiveness and conflict, and that choice was his to make. Then he thanked me and I left.

Have you ever intervened in someone else's conflict? Was your approach successful?